Forget About Being Happy

It's an elusive state, if it even exists at all.

For years after I got divorced, I would see someone I hadn’t seen for a while who inevitably would end up asking me the same question: “Are you happy?” I used to wonder why they asked this. Were they attempting to determine if I felt I was on the right path? Were they trying to evaluate their own lives through my lens? Or, were they simply hoping I was happy?

I always responded honestly. Luckily, I am one who focuses on the good so my answer was always yes. If I had just walked my dog … if one of my kids was just laughing … if I had just had a good date … if I had just brought home a new orchid, then, yes: I was happy. It was about the moments, and the moments were (and still are) great in their simplicity.

But it also was about the road I was traveling on at the time. I believed it was one full of countless adventures and infinite possibilities. That alone kept me feeling “happy.”

Time to Dump The Idea

I also was young when I got divorced — in my mid 30s. With being young comes a bit of gullibility. The goal of being deliriously happy was one I sought to achieve. I had already lost my best friend when she was only 32, so I felt my own time to lasso in bliss was relatively urgent.

For a long time, I chased that concept. I even became committed to it. My kids deserved a mom who was overtly happy, and that is what I wanted to give them. If I was lucky enough to still be on this earth, then I must maintain my focus on that euphoric path.

But, then life continued to happen. Bad shit happened. Great shit happened. The pendulum swung back and forth, often with no warning. I suffered. I celebrated. I suffered again. This, I realized, was life.

We all suffer. That is the inevitable reality of our time here. That is simply the inescapable truth.

I began exploring Buddhist teachings and their philosophy about happiness. Everything I read came back to the moment. It came back to being present. It came back to mindfulness. It came back to appreciation and gratitude.

“There is no path to happiness: happiness is the path.” — Buddha

On the Right Path

Once I embraced suffering, I immediately knew I was headed in the right direction. I went a bit deep with my studies and even ended up getting certified as a meditation guide. My focus to be peaceful became my new obsession.

But, I’m here to tell you (and possibly even save you from hours of meditative practice and Buddhist readings): the path is right before you. Your toes are already on it! All you have to do is let go of this idea of happiness.

Stop looking at your peers’ Instagram posts and their seemingly perfect lives. I promise you that behind those perfect pictures are spouses who annoy one another, children who push their parents’ buttons and stressful jobs coating their minds.

Don’t be fooled by the filters, both figuratively and literally. No one has it so easy. No one escapes pain. No one.

A Single Focus

As the years went by, my outlook and my goals changed. I stopped seeking this unobtainable concept of happiness and instead began to focus on the moments. Simple moments. Quiet moments. Unexpected moments.

From a random interaction with a stranger in line to the sight of a colorful bird as I walked my pups, the moments began to matter more. The aim for happiness continued to fade. It was replaced with something even more important — something that felt fulfilling and grounding.

“Are you happy?” I still am asked.

“Well, I am peaceful,” I now always respond. “And that, to me, is everything.”

Peacefulness. My new obsession. My new day-to-day, moment-to-moment goal. Sleeping through the night … an anxiety-free mind … feeling content right now, exactly where I am at … wanting for nothing. True peace. That transcends happiness every day, every moment.

"Many people think excitement is happiness.... But when you are excited you are not peaceful. True happiness is based on peace." — Thich Nhat Hanh